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[22 Jan 2006|11:14am]
From now on my journal is 50% Friends Only, 50% Public.

Add me if you wish to read my mind.
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[21 Jan 2006|03:48am]
Readers if you’re out there, something amazing just happened.

Here I am just watching Rage and eating CC’s wishing they were Doritos instead when, BAM! I realised that 2005 was a rather big year for me. Yes, that was a slow realisation. This is the kind of thought I was meant to be having at New Years but it’s much more meaningful to come to this in my own time.

I learned so very many lessons last year. A year ago I was not the same person, I wasn’t even recognisable as me. So with that thought, let’s think back to two years ago. Or three. Three years ago I was a new hardcore fan and a loyal punk and grunge listening brunette who also loved to drink. Two years ago I was similar but blonde and whist I still loved punk and grunge I’d moved away a tad. I was always drunk. One year ago I was into more hardcore and hip hop but still a grunge kid inside. I was partying harder still and my expensive taste was fully developed, especially in clothes and cars. Since then I have learned so much about the world and about me.

The things I’ve learned about myself are things like… I never thought it was right to eat meat, but I only became a vegetarian a year ago. I shouldn’t be allowed to drink in places with paddocks. I always loved heels and dresses. I eat a lot of sugar. I like tea better than coffee. I missed being a dancer the day I quit, 4 years ago. I never really knew my eyes were blue. I’d rather buy one great piece of clothing than 3 lesser items. I can be really shallow and self absorbed.

The things I learned about the world are things like… A guy will never start a conversation with me because I look intelligent, however, he will to try and get into my pants. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away. The weak run from confrontation. I’m better off without men. Music is important. Looks are everything to the beautiful; brains are everything to the clever. All you need is love. Love is all you need.

Those lessons look like idiotic stabs in the dark at looking poetic and meaningful to an outsider. But inside my head, every word here means something very important to me.

As a child of divorce who has been through 3 broken marriages I love to run away from change. I went to 4 schools in 7 years of primary schooling. I cried for the friends I lost until I made new ones I hated, but even more than I hated them, I hated leaving them behind. But now, I am not afraid. I am a better girl than I was three years ago, so maybe a change is really as good as a holiday? Or better…
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[19 Jan 2006|06:23pm]
I am renovating my room at this present time and a bare, cold-floored room can realy make you think.

Since last February my life as been really scattered, and it got worse late September. I'm not having a sook, I'm not sad, just at times confused. Anyway, I am far from getting it all back together and I am just getting really frustrated.

I wanted to paint my room, rip up my carpet and put down floorboards to match the rest of the house except the master bedroom which will still have carpet. So I had to strip my room bare. My stuff is in boxes all over the house now and I have coloured walls, but a concrete floor. I've got clothes in mum's room. Shoes and bags in the bathroom. Make up and soft toy's in my brothers room. Books and cd's in the study. And I'm sleeping in one of the lounge rooms. It gets hard. You lose things, you don't have a comfort zone or privacy and it makes me think about how shaken up things have been.

Your life can be turned upside down and you don't notice how much you care until you have somewhere to hide.

I'm not having a whinge at all, I'm not going to cry or anything but I'm going to have to work really hard to get back on track with everything. But, I am looking foreward to having some organization back in my life. I miss school aswell! I know sounds so nerdy but on the holidays you have no structure! All I really have to do is: sunbake, eat, drink and show up to work on time. But even my shifts are random!

Well, that's enough babbling for today I guess. My mind doesn't make a very interesting read at all...
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[17 Jan 2006|02:42pm]
Today the sun was out and it was pretty warm. So I ditched my boy this morning (after a lovely night last night, mind you) and headed down to my friend Masie’s house in search of some gossip and a tan by the pool. Most of our friends had uniform fittings for a VET course they’re starting this year so it was mostly just Masie, Jem and I until Brittany and Jessica showed up later.

In amongst the girlie gossip and bitching we were doing Jem became quite thoughtful and quiet. She told me about a blog she wrote about hypocrites and cheats very passionately and it came to my attention, she was speaking from recent experiences. I asked Jem what was wrong. She reminded me of the guy she had fallen for, (let’s just call him) Rat Boy, the one with the girlfriend of 3 years. Rat Boy and his girlfriend (let’s call her) Mouse Girl used to be inseparable while they were both attending our school but it all turned pretty much to shit once he left school and now they hardly see each other. Rat Boy had become quite fond of my friend Jem and she returned those feelings toward him. In between the text messages and phone calls, Rat Boy cheats on Mouse Girl with Jem.

I just don’t understand.

Jem is an intelligent, funny, loyal and very honest girl with one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. Rat Boy looks ratty and dirty but Jem has fallen for him and he is privileged she pays him this kind of attention. He is always on her mind. Nevertheless he is stuck in this rut which turned to shit a long time ago. He won’t leave Mouse Girl And Jem thinks he is only with her for the sex (the minimal amount there must be with the time they now spend together) and he’s just using her for a bit on the side.

Jem’s words to live by go something like "once a cheater, always a cheater" so even if Rat Boy left Mouse Girl, a relationship between Rat Boy and Jem would maybe not survive, and yet he still resides in her thoughts. If people found out they would go after poor Jem, but it’s not her fault she was pulled into this. There was a problem with Rat Boy and Mouse Girl’s relationship before she came along; she most definitely wasn’t the cause.

Jem knows I do not like cheating at all and because she was taking part in one side of the cheating, she was reluctant to speak to me about it. But I couldn’t help but feel for her. Usually she knows better than to do something like that but he had caught her, hook, line and sinker. She couldn’t help it; you can’t help who it is that you fall in love with no matter the circumstances.

I told her today that it is obvious to me she is wasting her time. That even if he were to leave Mouse Girl, a relationship between them would die. Jem nodded. I told her now that she realised this that from here on in, it is her fault if she allows herself to be used. Her problem if she lets him cause her more heartache. Jem agreed. I also told her that she was far prettier than Mouse Girl and much too good for Rat Boy. And she didn’t believe me…
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[15 Jan 2006|05:38am]
Honesty is necessary in a relationship of and description. My boyfriend Max and I don’t keep secrets from each other; we are very honest and open. We talk about the things that are bothering us and neither of us likes the feeling of hiding something from the other.

Early on in our relationship we were talking about turn ons and the ideal partner and it came to be that I am not Max’s "ideal girl" but he loves me anyway (eg. He likes dark auburn hair and I am Barbie blonde). I had no problem with that as the majority of people have that picture painted in their heads somewhere of their "perfect girl/boy"… I just lost mine along the way. However much I didn’t mind, there was always that knowledge of; I am not his ideal.

A few days ago my lovely, honest boyfriend started to break me some news he thought was good, but I took as bad. He had come across his "ideal" and was in contact with her. He thought this was a great thing to tell me as he enjoyed being friends with her and she is more than interested in him but, despite her "perfect girl" exterior and intellectual conversational skills, there was never a question of her or me. It was always going to be a choice of me. Great news, eh? Well, I was horrified. I knew this girl was out there and she is not my problem. It was the fact he needed to tell me. It was not harming me at all to be oblivious to this girl; after all, I am friends with many attractive boys and don’t find them a conversation piece at all. Max had felt like he was lying to me by not telling me, sweet right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Alarms were ringing everywhere to think if he needed to tell me about her, she must be more than a friend. That he must’ve done something, said something, or is considering something of the sort. Again, wrong. Oh so wrong.

That boyfriend of mine, thinking about it now, was really just like my cat, Coco when she catches a mouse. She’ll meow until I get out of bed and open the door, then she bounds in and dumps the mouse at my feet as in to say, "look how much I care for you!" It pisses me off but she just wants to make me happy because she thinks she’s done the right thing. Crappy example, I know, but it is quite the same in my mind. Max had befriended this girl, and made contact with her quite regularly and still his feelings for me did not waver so, to make me happy and like to say, "look how much I care for you!" He told me just how he felt. That even though she was the girl he imagined being so right for him couldn’t even change his mind for it is so made up on me. I just took it the wrong way.

So the point of this big boring block of writing is to ask the question of how much honesty is really needed? Max wasn’t lying to me by not telling me about his friend but still he thought I should know. I don’t lie to him, but I do not tell him of every boy that I find attractive whom I befriend and am in contact with. So… Should I be telling more? Or should he be telling less?

Just another question that’ll never be answered I guess…
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